The dark roots…

July 28, 2015

sink deep into the earth searching, always searching for more. Above, its leaves blow their gilded song of laughter across the field where joy rings true.

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The Stemming

Come here, follow me see  how I thrive

The winds blow, the storms rage

Yet upwards I rise

My body is strong my branches are stout

The mysteries my secrets will ne’er be found out

The small seedling fights for life of its own

Then steady, steady it breaks through the dawn

Live on little acorn live on planted deep

For whatever you sow you shall surely reap

Young sapling stands near this great mighty tree

Ever it does wax and wane to be free

The years come and go the strength is passed on

The blackness of root now deeper has gone

Blow winds, blow rains

The storms pass thee by

Its roots are laid safe now

In rich soil of lies

Though bitter or gladness it all comes to sigh

Sooner or later all things they will die

The branches are weak

Roots laid open bare

Storms toss thee and turn thee

At last

Now despair

The power you held is no longer bequeathed

Your mighty strength spent

It lies in a heap

Then glorious, Now silent

Truth breaks the spell

Now ashes to ashes

The fire will not quell

copyright/ 7/28/2015, R. Webb

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Beyond Understanding…

July 24, 2015

I am writing from the heart as my fingers fly furiously over the keyboard. What….WHAT is going on?? For most of my adult life I have tried my best to do the right thing…even when it left me in the dust. I’ve been laughed at, ridiculed, mocked, lied to, deceived, but, somehow I always got the feeling that I was expected to just take it. Even when I tried to take up for myself I was quickly shown that my stance was to do what I was told. My needs and requests were not even worthy to be considered, or if they were , they were quickly dismissed once the ‘real story’ was told…that it was me that was in error. What I’m angry about is not living my life apart from what other people directed me to do/be. I’ve been an idiot and now I am bitter. I once wrote about angry writing and I still do it, but this time I am putting my thoughts out here. You see, from the age of nineteen I tried to live a better life. Now, many years later I see this was obviously a mistake on my part. What was wrong with me? OTHER people lived their lives exactly as they wanted. OTHER people did what was best for them concerning things where it hurt people…but they did, got, and succeeded in their quest. Control…THAT was what it boiled down to. And now…I’m watching it happen all over again. Only this time…this time, it isn’t me…but yet it IS me of sorts. I wish I would have been left alone at that tender age of nineteen. Or…I wish I would’ve realized sooner and let go of guilt and fear about doing what I wanted to do. I wish I could go back and change ONE thing…but it’s too late. But…it’s not too late for me to start being who I am. Feeling what I feel, thinking what I think and saying what I want and need to say.  I’ve already done it recently and  apparently, it’s one down and several more to go in alienating some people. I don’t understand anything, yet I understand enough to know that I cannot be the person I’ve been for all these past years. l am sad. I am mad. I am furious. I am human.

Broken little family

in my youngest years

I searched in vain

to remedy to take

away the fears

The thoughts were vague

intents obscure

the words were

sweet the trap allured

First one his one

they beckoned me

I followed blindly

I could not see

Too late too late

my soul was tossed

The years remain

and all is lost

Tho’ one has gone

to depths unknown

now three remain

no four are known

Yet eight is the number

that breathes for now

my heart longs to slumber

please lay me down

Copyright 2015 –R Webb

to myself I ran across while going through some things prior to moving.  Not sure if it would be considered a poem, but I think it’s in that vein…

Distance of

family

friends

society

Closeness of

me

nature

God

Listen

Listen more

Listen more so

Words are weary spoken

go about your work quietly

There is a loneliness

that never leaves even in

the midst of others

Simply Be

Nature listens as doth God

Speak to yourself and they will hear

Copyright by R. Webb, 10/16/2013

Plant money so I can line my driveway with trees.

Oh look! There’s a sale on at (insert business)!

My hair needs styled.

My nails need a manicure and polish.

This will go towards my 2nd house mortgage payment because I still have my first house payment because it hasn’t sold yet.

On the other hand it can go in the direction of…

I hope the child support comes in because otherwise, no new clothes for my child/children.

Please oh PLEASE hit the bank today so I can pay the electric/water so I won’t be charged a disconnect/reconnect fee because I’ve already spent every dime I have on food, gas, shelter, and other basic needs.

Child support is a murky pool where courts don’t swim from what I know. The bottom line isn’t whether or not the child/children get the benefits from the money, it is a matter of following the procedure set up by the system. I remember years back when a lawyer told me the law really isn’t about what’s fair…and I do not remember for the life of me what the finishing words were on the sentence. My own wording for the sentence is, “The law really isn’t about what’s fair, it’s about who can tell the best story.” Of course the more money and contacts you have, the better the story can be told, heard, and understood (wink wink) by the lawyer and judge.

One possible solution would be to require  documentation from the parent who receives the money  through receipts on a yearly basis. Complaints would be rampant, but at least it would force some parents to actually spend the money on the child/children. The other solution would be to stop child support completely. I guarantee this would put a screeching halt to some parent’s ‘love’ for their kids when no money was coming in. There would be a lot of changing households in my best guess. Yes, there would be problems. Yes, things would not be perfect, but from what I’ve seen and long ago experienced, it is not any more far fetched than the system that has been in place for a long time. It could  cause some people to think twice about getting pregnant, married or not. It could cause people to take their marriages and parenting more serious. The whole system of money and benefits are out of control. But then…maybe that was accidentally on purpose.

By the way, the trees that lined the driveway …they weren’t even edible. Just another way to make something look pretty from the outside…

I said I would be publishing new content soon. This is the day, but it wasn’t soon. September of last year my mother died. Writing was something I thought I would want to do, but it turned out I needed to rest. This June I moved. My mind has been cleared of a lot of clutter and now I’m sorting though things at the new house so my physical can match up with the mental . Every year I realize I need less possessions. My plan is to use what I need each day, put the items in a spot and at the end of a month go through and cull the rest. Using this method for each room should make it simple. I read something similar on The Minimalists blog, except he packed everything without moving and only took out what he actually needed for 21 days. He ended up donating and selling the rest. 

Barbara Streisand once sang, “People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world…” In general, this doesn’t fit my personality. I’m not the type who always needs others around. I like people…sometimes. I want to be sociable …sometimes.  Solitude is also my friend, as well as books, writing, art, or music. All speak to me in ways that I can ponder on and not have to have a ready made answer or else offend the friendship.

My writing is back. Thank you for reading.