Beyond Understanding…

July 24, 2015

I am writing from the heart as my fingers fly furiously over the keyboard. What….WHAT is going on?? For most of my adult life I have tried my best to do the right thing…even when it left me in the dust. I’ve been laughed at, ridiculed, mocked, lied to, deceived, but, somehow I always got the feeling that I was expected to just take it. Even when I tried to take up for myself I was quickly shown that my stance was to do what I was told. My needs and requests were not even worthy to be considered, or if they were , they were quickly dismissed once the ‘real story’ was told…that it was me that was in error. What I’m angry about is not living my life apart from what other people directed me to do/be. I’ve been an idiot and now I am bitter. I once wrote about angry writing and I still do it, but this time I am putting my thoughts out here. You see, from the age of nineteen I tried to live a better life. Now, many years later I see this was obviously a mistake on my part. What was wrong with me? OTHER people lived their lives exactly as they wanted. OTHER people did what was best for them concerning things where it hurt people…but they did, got, and succeeded in their quest. Control…THAT was what it boiled down to. And now…I’m watching it happen all over again. Only this time…this time, it isn’t me…but yet it IS me of sorts. I wish I would have been left alone at that tender age of nineteen. Or…I wish I would’ve realized sooner and let go of guilt and fear about doing what I wanted to do. I wish I could go back and change ONE thing…but it’s too late. But…it’s not too late for me to start being who I am. Feeling what I feel, thinking what I think and saying what I want and need to say.  I’ve already done it recently and  apparently, it’s one down and several more to go in alienating some people. I don’t understand anything, yet I understand enough to know that I cannot be the person I’ve been for all these past years. l am sad. I am mad. I am furious. I am human.

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