It Was Only A Dream…

August 3, 2015

Eleven months ago this day my mother died. Early this morning I dreamed of her. We were in a grocery store and as I glanced down an aisle, there she was. She had on a long dark brown coat similar to one I’d seen as a child. Approaching her  I leaned over with a kiss. Her face was cool and almost felt as if she had whiskers. I don’t understand it, but I know that it was my dream. I felt no emotions. Dreams can be strange like that as we all know. She was smiling and I can’t recall, if any, the conversation. I mostly remember her smiling at me and the touch that I recall above. In that same dream sequence I saw a man who was a used car salesman and was showing me an old car that was supposed to be great. Just before that, I had been given approximately one thousand dollars that were in crisp new $100 dollar bills. They were all fanned out neatly before me. Somehow in the back of my mind I understood that my husband had given them to me, but I never saw him. My instincts told me concerning the car salesman that I didn’t want this car. I was wondering how much of the money it would take to make  repairs to my own car that I currently own. Then, just like that, I woke up. I looked at my phone and had an e-mail from my sibling discussing this day about my mother being gone from this earth eleven months. OUR mother, I should say. How that in one short month it will become years for as long as we live on this earth. I often find myself thinking back to my childhood. Back to a mother who was ever mindful to see that we had food, clothing , and shelter. She never failed at those things. I miss my mother. I miss the younger version of her as much or more than the older version. I take a risk in saying that, as some people will judge and say I should cherish all time I had with her. To that I say, you are ridiculous and of course I do. My mother in my younger years is who I long for. I miss the mother who made my meals, made the house clean and secure. She walked to the grocery store and got me comic books when I didn’t feel good. She took me uptown for fresh roasted, or rather blanched peanuts on Saturdays. She was always there…watching silently and taking care of all the details of our daily lives. She gave me life and a sense of orderliness. She took her role and did it. In spite of the odds. No one has ever written about her in grand ways. No one famous came to her funeral. She lived a quiet life and in the same way died a quiet death. One that I am thankful to God for allowing. I can truly say that it was the best funeral I ever attended. Some people may read this and say, oh how convenient, dreaming of her on the 11 month anniversary. Well, you are entitled to your thoughts. I know it’s true. I saw my mother. I kissed my mother. It was only a dream. I miss my mother.

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I said I would be publishing new content soon. This is the day, but it wasn’t soon. September of last year my mother died. Writing was something I thought I would want to do, but it turned out I needed to rest. This June I moved. My mind has been cleared of a lot of clutter and now I’m sorting though things at the new house so my physical can match up with the mental . Every year I realize I need less possessions. My plan is to use what I need each day, put the items in a spot and at the end of a month go through and cull the rest. Using this method for each room should make it simple. I read something similar on The Minimalists blog, except he packed everything without moving and only took out what he actually needed for 21 days. He ended up donating and selling the rest. 

Barbara Streisand once sang, “People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world…” In general, this doesn’t fit my personality. I’m not the type who always needs others around. I like people…sometimes. I want to be sociable …sometimes.  Solitude is also my friend, as well as books, writing, art, or music. All speak to me in ways that I can ponder on and not have to have a ready made answer or else offend the friendship.

My writing is back. Thank you for reading.

Morning is past the light has gone
Evening tide rolls thick with fog
Soon night shall claim a restless soul
Whose mind and heart with sorrow untold
Once hope did breathe so shallow there
Within the being of one so fair
Small child of yesterday in time
I weep I weep dear child o’ mine
The tears that flow down cheeks of kin
Spill for the life that might have been
God knows the reasons and the why
So He may comfort by and by
If mercy shows His part Divine
Then heart and soul can rest in time

Copyright 2013